Musical Emotions
by delia Lawson
Summary: This is a series of one shot in first person that depicts Booth or Brennan's feelings on a situation or event in the show set to music that I feel accurately depicts their relationship.
1. Chapter 1

_**Bones belongs to Fox and Hart Hanson, no infringement intended just wasting a little time on a Saturday night. **_

_**Gravity**_

_**By Sara Bareilles**_

_Some thing always brings me back to you; it never takes to long,_

_No mater what I say or do,_

_I still feel you here till the moment I'm gone _

I could feel my heart beating as he stirred, the smallest movements in the room seemed so unfamiliar to me. He had been quiet for so long, so lost to the world. I sat here in this hard plastic chair with my lap top waiting, waiting for my back to go numb and the sense of unease that I felt to subside.

It never did. The entire time he looked so peaceful, the rising and falling of his chest keeping the tempo for my thoughts. Word filtered from my brain and through the dexterity of my capable fingers into the word processor, killing time, making every excruciating hour pass till I could see his brilliant brown eyes again. What if I never got to see them, would the flow stop? Would I spend my life typing to pass an indefinite amount of time, never really feeling whole again?

The spot in the small of my back where his hand normally rested would burn, aching for him to guide me. The witty comments that I tried to make solely for him would not seem so important anymore. The true essence of my life would seem empty and lost and that scared me.

I prided myself on being a strong woman with out superficial ties to the world around me. There was a three inch steel wall keeping out the pain of ephemeral feelings and unnecessary complications. Yet still, like my own night in shinning armor, this man had scaled the wall using means of which I gave him. I was the accidental Rapunzel in this story and it would end with my own demise. Suddenly it became very important that my partner live because with out him in my life things seemed so meaningless. Everything seemed so dependent on his recovery and that was not something that I understood.

Or, perhaps, I did understand only to well. I had spent so many months with my head in the sand, ignoring the things that I could not face. Yet, the funny part is that even through all of the loss and the bullshit that I fed myself I still felt him. I stood on the ledge looking at the net beneath me, taking the leap and feeling my arms fly through the air till I landed on someone else's feet.

He was always there; ready to catch me, his arms extended out as he waited. He never judged me, never told me that I was stupid for trying, or that I had nothing to give. Even in those very early days when I did not deserve his kindness he was the bigger man. He has always been the bigger one in our relationship, putting his heart in when mine was not available for consultation. He took his time with me, allowed me to catch up to him, even disillusioning me that I was the one that needed catching up to.

_Set me free, leave me be_

_I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity_

_Here I am, and I stand so tall _

_I'm just the way I'm supposed to be _

_But you're on to me and all over me_

There is no escaping the things that I have done, or a way to make them better, if I even wanted to. I can not say for sure that I would ever admit this aloud or that there is even anything to admit. All I can say is that this time, when I am standing there at his grave, looking on as the earth swallowed the only thing in my world that I have ever let this close to me; I will not be so silent. I will not let him go with a quiet murmur or a sullen embrace. I need him to know that there are some burdens in life worth barring and that I would gladly take his on if only to be able to share this with him just once.

Sometimes the things that we fight the hardest are the things that we need the most. It is a sad truism that leaves the giant hole where there was once my heart. The very use of that metaphor is a sad testament to the greatest change that Seeley Booth has made in me. He taught me that using my metaphorical heart was occasionally the only way to find the real answer.

_You're on to me, on to me and all over me_

_Something always brings me back to you _

_It never takes to long…_


	2. Chapter 2

My Never

By Blue October

Will you think of me in time It's never my luck so never mind I want to say your name

_But the pain starts again _

I looked at her from across the room, just the way I always did. I loved to watch her work, see her move about the platform unabashed about her surroundings. She always looked so at home, so comfortable in the workplace, as if this were her one true calling, and perhaps it was. It made me jealous sometimes, the love she held for her career.

It was not that I did not hold my career in just as high of regard, it was more that I wanted just a fraction of that love to be for me, the way I loved her. It had felt good to hear someone else acknowledge that it was there, those long pent up feeling that seemed to consume me on a daily basis. Gordon Gordon knew, he called it on the first shot out of the park and I was left in the dust dumbfounded and upset.

For just one split second I hated it. I hated my love for her, my need to have her in my life. I hated the way my face lit up when she entered a room, or the tension filled looks that seem to linger just a little longer everyday. I hated the fact that I would covet this wonderful creature forever and never be able to have her.

It seemed so unfair in so many ways. I was a good man, I went to church every Sunday and repented for my sins, I abided by the law, even upheld it in my struggle for justice. I had protected my country, giving a part of myself to it, and walked away with the guilt of the blood on my hands, blood that I paid for daily. I was a man who respected the power women held and the honor of being a father, and yet somehow, it was still not enough. It was not going to drive her into my arms where I just knew she belonged.

I had a dream that you were with me

_It wasn't my fault _

_You rolled me over, flipped me over, like a summersault_

_That doesn't happen to me_

_I've never been here before_

_I saw forever in my never _

_And I stood out side her Heaven _

I could feel it, every time my hand lingered just a little to long on her back, every time my heart broke for her as she struggled to grasp the very basics of humanity. I could feel that little part of me that she held breaking off a little more, trying to be with her, to be carried in her heart daily. It got a little larger everyday, like a slow burn that seemed to spread more rapidly everyday. I loved her more today than I did yesterday, and I could only tremble with fear over tomorrow.

Every day that passed with out her, it was like a day with out air. Of course I did not need air, I would survive with out that, it was the empty feeling in me, the one that seemed to echo more and more till it became physically painful, that was the real trouble. It became harder to not reach out and touch her, to run my fingers along her full lips, or brush my hands through her hair. The façade of this superficial professionalism was slowly going to eat me alive and I was powerless against it.

I guess that on a very basic level this is just normal feelings stemming from the deep trust that we have for each other as partners. When you are put in situations like that, where you are responsible for each other's lives, you must trust someone completely. It doesn't hurt that the woman I have to hold that trust in is beautiful, intelligent, and loaded.

It always comes back to the money. I don't know why, I mean most of the time I forget that it's even there. The thing is, I do not know that she does, and while it does not matter to me one way or another, I think it does to her. I do not know why or how, but I feel like the difference in our tax brackets is just another reason she will never love me. She is not shallow, please do not take it the wrong way, it's just, she uses the differences between up to keep up a wall, one that I will never be able to scale, on that protects her most vital organ, her own heart.

I will never get past that, never be able to be there for her long after the absolution of our partnership. The only trouble is that as long as Dr. Temperance Brennan is in my life, I will never love another woman. I don't even notice them anymore. There have been several others that I tried to wipe her from my memory with but nothing stuck. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her, heard her voice in my head, it's always been her.

From the moment she walked into my life, she has tied me up in knots and I can't tell you what end is up anymore. It has to stop, I cannot go on like this, feeling like a huge part of me is missing. Something has to change, I have to change. If I cannot have all of her then I cannot pretend that part of her is enough.

And I can only dream of you and sleep

_But I'd never see sunlight again _

_I can try to be with you _

_But somehow I'd end up just losing a friend _

_I can only Reach for you, Relate to you _

_I'm losing my friend_

_Where did she go_

I blame my damned comma and the subsequent dreaming that followed for this whole freaking mess. All that did was push to the surface issues that I had managed to avoid for the last five years. Now I am more confused that ever! Sweets tells me that my feelings are a by product of the comma, but it surely does not feel that way, in fact if anything it feels more real than anything else in my life.

I was so happy in that fictional reality. I felt the joy and excitement that this lack luster world cannot even hold a candle to. The dream was so real that this 'reality' I am currently in feels like a nightmare. Every night I go to bed hoping that when I awake Bren will be there. I want her back, the uninhibited woman who loved me, accepted me, allowed me to keep her. Every morning when I open my eyes to the loneliness of the real world a part of me dies a little more.

I get up and get dressed, feeling more numb than the day before. There is no heat from the morning shower or rich earthy taste to coffee, it's just another step I must take to get through the day, to stay afloat. Just making it from one day to the next feels like I'm drowning, seeing her is hard, knowing that she is so close yet so far away, it's like a knife in my gut. The trouble is I have to. I have not stayed away from her for a single day since my coma and her return from Guatemala. Not having her there, that is worse than the pain of longing for her daily. She is like a drug and I am constantly looking for my next hit.

I've been an addict before though and I survived, I can get through this. I gave up gambling and I can give up Brennan. You know what the thrill of Gambling is? It is the uncertainty of knowing whether you will win or lose on the next round. You become dependent on the feeling, thinking that if you only tried one more time your luck would turn. In the last five years my luck never once turned. Perhaps it's time now to walk away and break even, my millions indefinitely waiting on her roulette table.

When I quit gambling I went to meetings, I had a sponsor, someone I still called when the urge crept up. There was no sponsor to quit her. I kept viewing my appointment with Sweets that morning as a meeting, a way to dispel the demons and crush the urge. If I stayed focused then I knew I could do this. I had to envision my life with out the chains, with out her. I had to know that I could go on, that a life with out her was possible, even if on the outside I did not believe it.

I saw forever in my never

_And I stood outside her heaven_

_Let me in your Heaven _

_I want to live inside your heaven _


End file.
